A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file". Whose funeral is it? The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife".
"What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?". The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Join the queue."
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The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful young woman...
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me - the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce!" The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened". "Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!"
The husband begins to tell his story... "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight - the poor thing practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story... "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door, she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: 'Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?'"
Mit dem "Vernichter 2000" oder so 
